Why I hate the NFL

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#1.  Sunday Night Football:  Sunday night football was a bad idea by whoever created it.  It overlaps Jersylicious.  Strike one.

#2. Fantasy Football: Makes you watch every NFL game.  Strike two.

#3. Madden 2012:  Actually more boring than watching football.  Strike three.

#4. Pink Jerseys:  Pink is not an NFL team color.   It used to be the safest color (as a girl) to wear to any sporting event.  Now it’s not. 

#5. Mascots: Don’t make sense. In the real world a lion would eat a ram.  Saints can’t steal.  Cardinals are about as tough as hummingbirds.  It’s just wrong for the patriots to beat the Chiefs.  And dolphins?  If you have to go aquatic…go with a shark, stingray, killer whale, octopus even.  Not a dolphin.   If I had to start an NFL team it’d be the “I – Crush – Yous.”   

#6.  The rules.  Are impossibly confusing.

#7. The announcers.  Are even more confusing.  This is what I hear…. “67 to the 32 yard line.  Second to three.  Inside hand off.  At the first down.  Beautifully done by Scotty Hampton. Set 3 great play by the defensive offensive line to the quarterback.  Full back.  Defensive end.  Biochemical engineering. At&t. Human Genome Project.   Blue 42.  Back to you Ted.”

#8.  The pants. 


9.  “Official NFL” Sports Merchandise.   There’s a lot of it.  I bet you could find an official Green Bay Packers snow globe whistle that doubles as a toaster oven.

10.  The reactions.  I don’t hate this per say it’s just really amusing.  My husband is not a loud man.  If he drops something heavy on his foot you get a barely whispered “ouch.”   If he wins $100 you might get a calm “hey look at that.”  But a touchdown.  Now that gets a completely different reaction.  ” GO!   GO!   GO!   GO GO GO!!!!   TOUCHDOWN!  HELL YEAH!  TOUCH – DOOOOOOWWWWWNNNNN!!!!!!! Did you see that?  DID.  YOU.  SEE.  THAT.  TOUCH DDDDDOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWNNNNN!!!!!  HELL!!!! YEAH!!!!  THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!   Replay.  Replay.  Check this out. THERE HE GOES.  O…O… OH!  OOOOOOOOHHHHH!    TOUCH DOOOOOOWN!”

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2 responses »

  1. Ohhh the title of this just screams “thems fightin words!” Where do I begin? I guess I’ll start with 1!

    1) It should be “Jersyliciousoverlaps SNF”. I think you have it backwards. Plus what is that show, I’ve never heard of it, never seen it? I guess it’s because it must be on Sunday nights and I only watch Sunday Night Football then. They don’t call it Sunday night Jersylicious. They can move it to another night other than Monday. That one is locked up too.

    2) And fantasy football is a bad thing…why? At least it’s not college fantasy football. There are 120+ teams there and thus many more games to watch. Hey what a great idea! College fantasy football! Plus it teaches managerial skills. Great skill set for work! (Ok that’s stretching it)

    3) I have to firmly disagree with this Madden NFL one. It allows us out of shape, scrawny, fat, too short, too slow, not strong enough people who know the color of the bleacher stands better than the color of the bench down on a football field to make us feel like we are the best players of football since God created the great sport.

    4) Pink Jerseys. Ok pink for breast cancer awareness. That’s pretty cool. At least the NFL is not supporting colon cancer awareness.

    5) Hard to disagree on the mascot one, although the patriots should beat the chiefs.

    6) Rules are easy. Man take ball. Man has three tries to move it 10 long strides. If man fails, man kicks to other team on fourth try; otherwise man tries again until man gets to nicely decorated grass called end zone. Man happy.

    7) I have to agree on this one but for a different reason. I can’t stand announcers. I don’t need someone telling me that they caught the ball. I’m watching the same thing they are. I don’t need someone telling me “Well if the Cowboys score more points than the Jets, I think they have a good shot at winning”. This quote must be read with a John Madden accent.

    8) Most women I know like the tight pants! I know my wife does.

    9) Can you get a snow globe whistle that doubles as a toaster oven in Cowboys’ or Longhorns’ colors? If so, it’s worth it. Think about this though. Shopping for birthdays/anniversaries/etc is easy!

    10) Now if you couple celebrating with point #2 (fantasy football) that’s what I think is amusing. It could be a blow out game and everyone is winding down but you have a player on one of the teams and you need him to score those extra two points. So it appears that you’re just yelling at the screen over nothing!

    Hillarious read!!! Great post.

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